How to Be A Better Human: The 6 Tools and Skills You Need

I have been thinking about how to write this post for a while. Actually how to write any post. The gravity of all of the things going on in the world has been weighing heavily on me lately. But I think it’s important to put my thoughts out there about how we can all do a little better navigating through these times in a way that respects others, ourselves, and truth. I have by no means got these things down, but they are skills I aspire to use in every conversation and interaction.

1. Use a Calm Tone - This one is a lesson I learned the hard way. I was once in a relationship with someone who knew the value of this much better than I did. He would always speak calmly and devoid of cursing when we were disagreeing about something and it always made me come off as emotional and irrational (even when I wasn’t)— a powerful thing when disagreeing with someone. I ditched the guy but kept the lesson: when you speak calmly and without profanity, your words are what carry weight; not your hysterics. It is a lot less for the listener to sort through and instead it’s your words that they can focus on.

2. Avoid using always/never - Much like using a calm tone, avoiding these broad sweeping statements is essential to productive conversations. When you use always and never, you are boxing yourself in and the other person you are talking with will likely immediately disagree with you. Why? Because pretty much nothing in the world is that finite.

   When you think in always/never statements and/or verbalize them, you enter the dangerous territory of not seeing people as they are. But instead only seeing them as members of groups that you have defined in your head. Always and never are not the friends of educated, empathetic thoughts and conversations.

3. Desire new experiences - This is perhaps one of the most interesting on this list for the simple fact that it comes very naturally to some and has never really entered the mind of others. And its a complex cycle because if you desire new experiences naturally, you are likely to already have a lot of experiences under your belt that give you some of the skills on this list (e.g. empathy) but if you don’t naturally desire them, you will likely have to work a lot harder to seek out and enjoy these experiences in order to obtain those skills which make the experiences easier and more desirable to you.

   I know someone who always says he doesn’t need to travel out of the United States because he has everything he needs here. He is also one of the people I know that could really benefit from some perspective. The more you experience, the more broad of a perspective you have, the more broad of a perspective you have, the more you will be able to empathize and understand others.

   And note that those experiences include meeting new people. Finding ways to learn more about people and places you’ve never even considered before. One of my favorite memories from the year after I quit law school was an incredible conversation about theories of punishment with a group of guys from North Africa who had opened a North African BBQ taco shop. My roommate and I were the only guests on a rainy afternoon and I learned SO much about a region of the world of which I had little understanding. Seek those moments! Be open and kind and you won’t believe what you can learn.

4. Individual Responsibility - In nearly every situation in life, all parties have some responsibility for what occurred. Or is occurring. The classic example: girls love to rally around the idea of how horrible “the other woman” is when a significant other cheats…. but how much responsibility do we remember to ascribe to the partner? They were the ones who had the obligation, not necessarily the other woman, who may not have even known they were in fact the other woman. Maybe they did. But it’s important to view situations as a whole and understand where each responsibility lies.

   This is something that is easy to see in everyday life when someone does something that you take as a slight. Maybe one of your siblings says something rude to you, and you respond with something rude to put them in their place. They were wrong, and they need to know it. Soon things escalate into a full-blown argument. How could that have gone differently? You don’t have to respond back with rudeness. You have the responsibility to respond in the right way. You never have control over the other person’s actions, but you have control over your own. Further, you don’t have a responsibility for what the other person does, you have a responsibility to respond with integrity.

   Maybe you aren’t a “racist” person, but maybe you need to take a minute and analyze how you have contributed to a culture that has some real racist issues. Maybe you need to reevaluate your opinions and biases based on the things on this list - not using/thinking with always/never, empathy, etc. Maybe you can do that type of self-evaluation and come up with only positive ways you’ve navigated through the world. But chances are, you can find some things you can do better. We probably all can. And that’s how we move forward as a society. Through that individual responsibility.

5. Value the One - Everyone has value. Every single person on this earth has value. Even if they have done horrible things, up until their moment of death, they have opportunities to change. Let that sink in. Every single life has value. The same value as every single other life. So often we act like what we want is the most important thing in the world… but actually its life. Every life. When you hold this perspective, it’s a lot easier to make wise decisions.

   Shelter in place because it might save one life? Easy. What if that life is of someone elderly? Still easy. But they have lived a long life. I shouldn’t have to stay in my house, unable to work, and be bored just because it might save one elderly person’s life after they have lived a “long and full life” and will probably die in the next few years anyway… Welp, if that line of thinking made sense to you, I don’t think we are ever going to see this concept the same.

   Every life has value. Every life.

   Well, what about when someone commits a crime? What about if they run from the police? Every life has value. What about the police officer’s life? It also has value, but this isn’t an either-or situation most of the time is it? Unless that officer is in true threat of their own life, say with a firearm pulled on them, their life and that other individual’s life both have value. Every life has value. Every life.

   This might be hard for you to digest. You might immediately disagree. But I challenge you to take all of this list in and then spend some time reflecting.

6. Empathy — If there is one thing to take away from this list, it’s the crucial need for empathy. All of these others (more or less) naturally fall into place when you operate with true empathy. I learned empathy in a very costly way — law school. I am a 3-semester law school drop out, which means I spent roughly $120,000 to learn this lesson. And while I am not saying it was a bargain, it was a life lesson I would not trade for anything.

   A lot of people go to law school because they are" “good at arguing.” But that really isn’t what it takes to be a good law student. In order to be a good law student, early on you have to learn two things: 1) Justice is irrelevant. It only matters how you can apply (and manipulate) the law. There is very little justice in the Justice System; and 2) You have to be able to see and defend all sides of a case.

   So, how did this give me empathy? Well, the first lesson just made me disenchanted with the legal system and was part of why I ultimately left. The second lesson gave me empathy. When you started eating, sleeping, and breathing “defend every side” in every case you read (and you read a lot!) as a law student, it starts to bleed into your everyday life. Every political issue, every disagreement with your partner, every news story, you start to see it all from two or more sides.

   Now the danger in this, especially at first, is you can lose what you actually believe. It gets hard to remember in the middle of it what side you stand on because, well, you can see some truth in all of them — which note, is because there usually is some truth in all of them. But the benefits far outweigh that danger. You start to understand that every situation, especially the more serious ones, are multi-faceted and complex and often stem from many different experiences. The more you can teach your mind to think through the perspectives from every side, the more likely you are to understand what motivates others, why they hold the perspective they do, and how you can come to a mutual understanding. Having a hard time understanding someone else’s perspective? Ask. Listen. Pay attention. Empathy is the shortest path to harmony.

I hope that at least one person gets something out of all of that, as I truly believe that the more people can dialogue and live with these skills, the farther we are going to get as a society. It’s the only way we will be able to overcome the struggles that we face as individuals, as people groups, and as a global civilization. And the fact that not a single one of these cost money or any resource other than ourselves and maybe time, gives me hope. Because who can’t afford that? We can. We have to.

Drop your thoughts below.

And for those of you that this made a little uncomfortable — that means you took it seriously, which is the first step — Don’t worry, I will be back with a new recipe tomorrow: an Herbed Ricotta Tomato Galette.